The A-B-C of Bengali
by Shivjeet Khullar (reproduced here)

A is for Office. This is where the average Kolakattan goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. If he is in the Government he will arrive at 10:00, wipe his forehead till 11:00, have a tea break at 12:00, throw around a few files at 12:30, break for lunch at 1:00, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2:00, break for tea at 3:00, sleep in a seated position at 4:00 and go home at 5:00. It’s a hard life!

B is for Bhision (vision). For some reason most of the Bengalis don’t have good bhision. In fact in Kolkata most people can be seen wearing spectacles most of the time. The effects of this show in the city.

C is for Chappell. This is the Bengali word for the ‘Devil’, for the worst form of evil. At night mothers put their kids to sleep saying ‘go to bed, or Chappell will come and take you away.’

D is for Debashish. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and as an effort at creativity and distinguishing one from another they might also be called Deb, Debu, Deba, Debo with other variations like Debnath and Debprotim thrown in.

E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali uses ‘eeesh’ 10,089 times every year. (That’s counting eeesh and other eeesh-ish words).

F is for Feesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has an overpowering and overwhelming odour, it takes but a sniff for a Bengali to determine if a fish is all right. If not he is liable to say ‘eeesh what feeesh is theesh!’

G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like Debashish or Debopratim and a pet name like Shontu, Chontu, Dinku while every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa, Champa and Tuki. Basically your nickname is there to kill your good name.
H is for Harmonium. The Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to “The Bheatles!”

I is for illeesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali feels complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in it. Even as you read this there are 2 million jholas bobbing around Kolkata- and they all look exactly the same!

K is for Kee Kando. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation (something like what chaos) till ‘eeesh’ took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando’s agent is trying to hire Bipasha Bosu (nee Basu)).

L is for Lungi. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt. Everest.

M is for Minibash (minibus). These are dangerous half- buses whose antics put those speed-demons on the Formula 1 race track to shame.

N is for Nangtoe. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!

O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)

P is for Phootball (football). This is always a phavourite paasshon (favourite passion) of the Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are Mohun-Bagan FC and East-Bengal AC and whenever they play, the entire city comes to a grinding halt (of course it also comes to a halt as a result of strikes called by some union or political party which could vary from once-a-week to daily during elections).

Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Kolkata, but it’s the only Q word I could think of at this moment. There’s also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.

R is for Rabindranath Tagore. Many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel prize. This allows everyone in Kolkata to frame their acceptance speeches and walk with their heads held high and look down at the humbler and less accomplished denizens of Delhi and Mumbai.

S is for Sardarjee who the Bengalis are very envious of because sardars are born with a semi-monkey cap on.

T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it’s faster to walk.

U is for Umbrella. When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one.

V is for Violensh (violence). Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will shout and scream and curse and abuse, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.

W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is under water and every year for the last 200 years the authorities have been taken by surprise by this phenomenon!

X is for Xmas. It’s very big in Kolkata with Park Street fully lit up.

Y is for Yeshtarday (yesterday). Which is always better than today for a Bengali.

Z is for Jeebra, ..Joo, Jip and Jylophone