I am a flag-waving, chest-thumping Indian

Why the Madu/Gujju/Sindhi/Punju is a better businessman than a UPite/Bihari/Bong !!

Having logged a fair number of miles around the Tier-II city circuit, I now have a fair idea. This piece is going to be slightly controversial; If you are a denizen of or have originated from UP, or Bihar :) . … log off NOW! … and don’t ever say that you didn’t have the luxury of forewarning.

The reason why inhabitants of UP or Bihar cant match the business acumen of the gujjus, the madus, the sindhis or the punjus is that they have yet to understand the concept of “repeat business” or “service”.

I have drawn the above dramatic generalization from pretty simple incidents which I experienced. I happened to be in Lucknow on the day when Amar Singh had organized a glitzy do for the visiting “President Clinton”. Quite a few of our stars landed up in dusty lucknow – bumped into Hema Malini (my boss couldn’t stop ogling @ her), and Esha Deol (I gave her my most macho grin … and got the most thoroughly digusted smirk in return … talk of ROI..poof!!) Hema and my sweetie Esha got out of the plane like the “common (wo)men” who happened to be their co-passengers and but very unlike the "junta janardan" were whisked away promptly to a waiting Air Sahara chopper to be ferried 7 kms from the airport to the Taj. Talk of attracting investment to UP (Amar Singh’s stated endeavour) and optimum utilization of resources. I fail to understand how the 7 km helicopter transport would help attract investment in UP. Forget that! I fail to understand how Hema (in all her resplendent beauty) could help the stated cause. Besides, Shiamak Davar’s troupe was also there to provide some strategic inputs on how to get more investment to the dusty, mosquito-infested “Uttam Pradesh”.

The hired taxi would charge a 50 or a 100 buck more if you are in an A/C room and ask for an A/C car and happen to wear a tie -- I am talking about a hotel organized taxi. I got a call from the hotel reception no less than 5 times reminding me that the room charges would be 1920/- a night. The receptionist sounded incredulous when I agreed. She couldn’t damn well believe her ears. I had blocked a room which I later didn’t occupy but had to pay for it.

Would I travel ever again to Lucknow… oh! Yes … thatz part of the territory I handle … Would I ever stay at the hallowed “Deep Palace” … Not if it’s the last place on earth. Repeat Business – my arse !!!

We are the most racially discriminating race around !!

Back in Kolkata, something else happened which bugged me no end (do I have issues or what???) …. Me and my friendly neighborhood Caucasian business traveler were checking in at the same time… he was greeted with a smile … I with a curt formal mumbled gibberish; He was accompanied by the prettiest babe (yeah! from the guest relations) around (don’t get any ideas …:) while I was left to fend for myself … and that when I just happen to hold a welcomaward gold card and my Caucasian friend was probably a once-a-year or a once-a-lifetime moonlighter (I hold nothing against him :) … Welcome to ITC Sonar Bangla, the swankiest hotel by the hoogly with the coldest staff in town.

That incident triggered a question in me – In this age and time, when the “white world” is freaking out on “Chicken Tikka”, “Deepak Chopra”, “Bollywood Run-around-the-trees”, “The Art of Living” and “Yoga” … aren’t we ashamed to still show our most servile and vile sides when it comes to encountering the white man? I think we would be the most racially discriminating society on earth…. (That bloody well explains why HLL makes a lion’s share of its profits from Fairness Cream sales) We discriminate against people our own kind.

Top ten things we desis should expressly avoid !!

1. Stop scratching one’s balls in public
   
2. Stop sulking/taking objection if the above (refer pt. no 1) is pointed out
3. Stop spitting around as if the world is our spittoon.
4. Stop fooling ourselves

• CASE IN POINT: Sex is taboo… we are a god-fearing, conservative society – Bull! How do you explain the population … the Kamathipura, the GB Road and the Sonagachi

5. Stop comparing ourselves to others and feel insecure/insignificant… we should learn to enjoy our accomplishments at times
6. Stop peeing in public … (with or without the presence of a tree/shrub/bush) – leave that to the dogs
7. Stop issuing fatwas – like the univ. in Chennai or the one in Bhubaneswar who have laid down dress code rules for schools and colleges.
8. Rise above caste/creed/religion and learn to recognize merit.
9. Stop being hypocrites – look at the damn Marxists. It is OK to liberalize in Kolkata but anathema to do that across the country. To hell with the reds.
   
10. Stop promoting dynastic politics and “chamcha/sifarish/setting culture”

The world waits for us! Let us rise and shine :)